No one has ever asked the question better than Haddaway, the artist behind the 1993 smash club hit “What is Love”. He asks the age-old question we are all faced with: the nature of love and the navigation of walking the line of pain and pleasure that comes with it. What is Love goes down as one of my favorite songs of all time; it’s an anthem of cathartic release of pent-up yearning, all while simultaneously making you go feral in the club. But in all seriousness, what is love really? I've heard it to be a feeling, I've heard it to be a choice; some say love is compromise. Some believe in twin flames, some believe there to be many soulmates for each person. Some love a lot and fall hard and some have trouble giving and receiving love. Some love is healthy, some toxic… I mean, seriously, there's even five languages of love.
I think you get where I am going here. I could redundantly list vague descriptions of love for ages because the line of questions seems endless but let me get to the point. Love is a topic that has been on my mind a lot, especially in the past few years, and I've reflected a lot on its role (or lack thereof) in my life. What has baffled me most is identifying whether love is an action or a feeling. I’ve even been questioning if one has control when it comes to love. Are we just sitting ducks for Cupid to strike at any moment? My dramatics aside, I may not have the answers, but I'm here to share some of the knowledge I have learned from wandering the avenues of love in my late teens and early twenties. Love's intangibility makes it so hard to talk about, but the “what” when it comes to defining love limits the conversation: perhaps we should be asking why we love.
INFATUATION VS. LOVE
Love and obsession teeter on the edge of delicate scales. When you find a special person or a new interest, it may be exhilarating, exciting and sometimes even addictive. When you cross the line from love over to obsession, it's called “limerence.” Limerence, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is defined as “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.” This obsessive state has physiological responses as a result of the hormones released when one is limerent. The chemicals adrenaline and dopamine are released when thinking about or interacting with the object of limerence. These are chemicals associated with the “high” we get when we see our crush: our hearts beat faster, our palms get sweaty, and we feel “butterflies” in our stomach. An adrenaline rush and emotional response can feel amazing and can be very powerful, but this powerful feeling is also often confused with love.
Limerence is also referred to as love sickness, as many feel physically ill or overwhelmed from the sensation and response. Love sickness is something many of us are all probably familiar with: the yearning for a crush to notice you, yet at the same time avoiding them out of the anxiety that comes with interacting with them. There are few things more painful, maybe other than being drawn and quartered, than the agony of unrequited love; but if you locate the problem and name it, your chances of surviving limerence are good. Limerence is a delusional state that skews the perception of reality, leaving you ruminating on the situation and as far as tangibility goes, has clearer signs than love. Chances are if you are in a limerent situation there's a good amount of mindgames and imagination at play to prop up this false reality. Red flags can be located and addressed if you have the time to sit down and take an honest inventory of things.
SITUATIONSHIPS
The Oxford dictionary defines a situationship as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established”. Walking the uncanny valley between casual fun and the potential for more, situationships are the messy and painful in-between phases of dating and hooking up that have risen in popularity since the early 2000s.
It wouldn't feel complete for me not to give my take on situationships and address her ugly step sister “roster dating”, as they are distinguishing characteristics of Gen Z dating and relationships of modern dating world. Despite the Boomers who think us little heathens are just going around having sex with everything in sight, situationships have provided an amazing framework and opportunity for exploration of our desire. The sexual revolution aimed to destigmatize sex and allow people to make educated decisions about their bodies. Frameworks of the past were largely centered around labeling and monogamy with very little imagination around the boundaries and vocabulary needed for fostering an “unconventional” relationship. It's also highly worth noting that the queer community has been doing this for ages but those narratives have been historically shoved into society's closet. Despite this difference, there is actually plenty of overlap in the way young people date compared to the past. The biggest shift is that sex has been promoted to the social forefront while being outpaced by the gaps in our understanding of navigating these dynamics.
I think the problem often lies in when people enter a situationship unknowingly. When people get involved in casual sex, there's always potential for the dreaded “feelings” to be caught and often people are scared to admit that. Say you discussed something casual to begin with or you wanted to try a thing out in hopes of it becoming more; then suddenly something changes. The risk of saying you feel something more and the chance it's unreciprocated may result in heartbreak. In unhealthy situationships, feelings are seen as the death of fun, hence the problem itself in non-reciprocal or transactional situationships. What does it say about us that we view connection as a thing to be avoided versus cherished?
I think the biggest determinant of this side effect is how the flow of communication works. We avoid the root causes of our discomfort, a deep-seated challenge or wound in us. We replace it with trying to have our cake and eat it too. When there's mind games present or a lack of comfortability, that is a “red flag” and you should look deeper into the situation. There's a lot of overlap with the topic of limerence and situationships and that's why there's opportunity to learn so much from them. I'm not saying to venture blind into a toxic escapade or fuck around and find out if that’s not your style; but in case you have, are, or will experience this, it's a good time to reflect and ask yourself if what you are feeling or desiring is the warm embrace of love or a bad case of the limerence bug.
REMEDIES
I think this Valentine's Day for me is about self-love above all. Love is not finite but you have to be in the right place to give, receive and to nurture it. I think the whole “be the best version of yourself before dating” thing is kinda bs and really unhelpful. We are wired to crave connection and that's a good thing! But unfortunately, we do be living in a society and if love is something you struggle with in any capacity, I think the best place to start is always yourself. Self-reflection is not always an easy task, but hey that's what our early 20s are for aren't they? There's no one solution but if you can get yourself to experiment a bit, you’ll probably fail, learn, grow and maybe even surprise yourself in unforeseen ways.
So to start you off on your quest for love and other things, here are few ideas to experiment with for socializing and dating in a more interactive way:
Go alone to an event
Be Chalant
The whole mind game thing really sucks and social media only makes it weirder. The paradox of our society is open communication isn't always seen as cool but… It's so refreshing when we communicate openly about ourselves! Consider my perspective if you please.
Write letters
I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I wish the art of letter writing was more prevalent
That being said, literally what is stopping you, probably you. Don’t let self doubt win this one
Imagine the special feeling of receiving a love letter, to a friend, lover or shooting your shot!
Love everywhere
For more love and limerent jams, check out the rest of my Valentines mix!
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3zkkuHGiCk9aemQMw1LesM?si=8622ea61047b4435
