on a night like this
i can’t sleep
the street light seeps through the blinds
sending the bending lines on my walls
i live in the city i guess
with the church tower down the street and the apartment tower i never realized existed
until i looked out my window on a night like this
such alluring structures remind me i'm alive
i roll in and in
my blanket touches the floor
i feel my bed
sinking into the grooves i’ve perpetuated until it feels like it’s always been flat
always been this way always feel the same
a two year mattress can feel like a lifetime
perhaps three or four lifetimes
and never again will i feel this way
never again will i look out the window and imagine the townhouses as towers
i was always anticipating a future
to break away the loop that kept my life in constant battle to want what i don’t have
maybe i have it all
or at least all that i need
or at least that’s what i tell myself until i go to my room
with an itch of wanting what i don’t have that’s eying me from the corner of my screen
until i can’t do it anymore and eat fries and collapse with a dry mouth and wake up tired again
because on a night like this im truly happy to be alive
i always knew i’d miss the view of the church
and the street light bleeding through my blinds bending on my walls
and pretending i’m in the city even though i am but i’m not
and imagining what i don’t have and idealizing the room that doesn’t exist but want so bad
but i’m happy that i’m in the now because i know that “whatever” is better than a night like this
and in the morning i’ll rise and fight another demon that creeps
that takes my eyes and makes me hungry
but yeah, i haven't had a night like this inna while
and i don’t miss them— i shouldn’t
and yet i do.
